Fuck 50 shades and all the “perfect” condescending cunts

This book and movie glamorizes sexual violence and domestic abuse. BDSM is fine. That’s not the issue here. The issue is that there are consensual, healthy ways to practice BDSM without becoming blatantly abusive. It’s troublesome to know how casual rape and abusive relationships have become, especially in American culture. If someone takes pain and abuse through fear then it’s unhealthy, it’s wrong. Period. If you want your fantasy, have it but don’t be ignorant and pretend the abuse isn’t there.

I didn’t read the book nor will I see the movie. I’m a rape victim several times over. I’m an abuse victim several times over. I’m also a survivor and will spend the rest of my life overcoming what men similar to the Christian Grey character have done to me. This is something that truly ruins you. I will say that I have had several people warn me of the book because they know my triggers. Honest people I trust that openly admit to the horrific violence coupled with the fantasy. Plus, I can read the preview and how many times it is admitted from article to article.

So as this cunt sits there with a smug look on her face, she tells me to stop crying about fantasy I don’t understand. How about this Bitch, the next time a man puts you into your wildest sexual moments with BDSM think about how it would feel if he disregards your safe word, your agreed levels of comfort, and rips you apart from the inside out. When a man touches you wrongly, you never forget that and you can see that pain over and over in the faces of other women that pass you on a daily basis. Her response? “I’ve been raped before. It was ok. I got over it.” It was ok? Really?

Maybe I’m not articulate enough to show dumb people they have no idea what real pain is until someone truly takes their comfort and safety away.

Service Dog Training and Skills

Just got off the phone with the handler/manager for the company I’ll be using to further train Achilles. He said once I move back to MD he can set me up with a local trainer and it’ll be no cost since I’m a veteran. He said that no one should accept Achilles right now simply because he’s not old enough. He has to be at least 1 year to have a fully developed nose. He asked me a lot of questions to get a better understanding of Achilles personality. He told me that I’m very very lucky because Achilles is obviously more mature for his age and he is sensing PTSD triggers and other medical issues already while his nose is not fully developed. He said those are strong signs he will be a great service dog. Plus the fact that he is well socialized with dogs and people, and can already walk around in public places without much issue is amazing. He said not to worry if Achilles gets distracted while walking. Part of the training is to train me to 1) recognize his warnings 2) help him to refocus on me and 3) learning to listen and communicate with him. The other part of the training is to ensure he meets specific needs like 1) picking up pill bottles or my cane 2) stabilizing so I can use him to get up (he must be about 2 years old for this) and 3) helping with communication. There is obviously more to the training but each training course is specifically geared toward the handler and their dog.

Warning! Graphic shares!

I was finally diagnosed with PCOS and finally given a bc that is supposed to help regulate hormones. I bled for nearly two years straight without any breaks before anyone at the VA gave me a reason. Like I’ve said before, sometimes you can’t just let the VA inform. Sometimes you have to do the research yourself. Well, after my own research and the help of a few Google Guru’s I am self diagnosing. I believe not only do I have PCOS but I have Endometriosis as well. The bc I was put on should have shut down my periods or made them reduce to spotting. However, it’s a full-fledged battlefield and as always the pain is so FUCKING unbearable! Idk why doctors can be so dismissive when it comes to this shit. Stop using the word normal. This isn’t normal. To have to attempt to sit in a bath tub for hours on in because otherwise it would look like you murdered someone. Looking at the symptoms of PCOS and endometriosis side by side I have all the symptoms for both diseases. BOTH! I’ve never had a child so I couldn’t tell you if it’s worse than child birth but I can tell you that nothing relieves the pain and it makes me second guess living. Yes, it’s true I’ve always said you’ll never hear me say or read what I wrote to say I want to kill myself. That is still true. But it makes me wonder aside from all the other bullshit, why am I here? To suffer? To curl up and cry everyday? To be someone’s punching bag? To be someone’s cushion to use their battering ram on? To wish I didn’t have a vagina? Why!?! Ugh! Way too emotional to write further. In a gist, it’s back…it hurts….I’m crying….I’m about to take a bath.

Self Love and Acceptance.

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I’m learning to accept the person I’ve become. Unfortunately experiences help mold you, changing the colors that code you. I feel like a baby crawling again. When frustrated or angry all I know to do is scream, throw, punch, react. I’m learning to listen to my needs, wants, desires and challenge them. It’s not easy. All I want is to hook up a clock to my life and rewind, rewind, rewind.

In the midst of trying to understand myself, to accept me, to love myself unconditionally I also deal with the public, family, and friends. It’s hard enough trying to rebuild a relationship with yourself. To make matters worse, people judge you and label you. Friends and family bring up the past, they want you to either apologize for something you no longer can recall or they want you to be the person you once were.

I’ll never be her again. She has died. She is gone. Someone else has been born. It’s the ugly truth and I still struggle to accept it. I can accept the death of what once was, it’s harder to accept this new person. Sometimes, most times I really don’t like her. I hide at times. I avoid all the time. I try to forget most nights.

Acceptance. That’s the word that all people should become more familiar with. The Christian family I see sitting at a Restaurant who repeatedly tells their server he’s going to hell because he’s gay. They continuously as him if he believes he will burn for his sins. The beautiful girl who whispers to her friend each time a fat girl walks by, then they laugh. The guy behind the cell phone counter who is too busy flirting with the girls that just walked in. If he had paid attention to the man in the wheelchair for a moment he would make a sale. The girls simply came in to flirt, they have no intention of buying anything. The man with a dog bite from his own pet, whom he has been training to attack anyone that’s black. If people took a moment to realize life is more than the corner of their own selfish worlds, they might actually learn something.

I believe accepting others for all the things that may seem a little strange, will allow them to accept all the things that are little strange about themselves.

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It’s my story to tell, my words to write…

If you don’t like it, find the door. I don’t hinder your words, your life, your story. Don’t hinder mine. The truth is I’ve gotten so tired of pretending. I’m tired of pretending that I’m the same person I used to be. I’m not. I’m different. This is my space. This is my place to write my raw, bloody truth. I’ve finally accepted all the shit that has been dumped on me. I have finally accepted that it is unfortunately a part of my life. Do I think it defines me? No! Do I have my ups and downs? Yes! Just because a person shares a piece of their soul doesn’t mean they are complaining or whining. Don’t tell me to put on my big girl panties either bitch. I’d like to see you go a 1/3 of my life and let’s see if you can match my inner Tigress, my strength, my passion, and my determination. If you spent a moment looking in the mirror at the woman within, you might actually feel the need to put the haterade down and focus on your own shit rather than mindlessly bashing people who have never done anything to you! It’s so sad to me that women continue to tear one another down rather than build one another up. You bitch and moan about a mans world that you can’t overcome. If you actually found women of strength and accepted their every flaw you could build a bridge, overcome, and thrive!!!

Sciatica attack

I just had an overwhelming and excruciatingly painful sciatic episode. The burning and stabbing pain running down my leg. I almost collapsed. The borrowed cane wasn’t enough. My back is sore and I feel so fatigued.

I wish it would all go away. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently. That or I wish the VA would make some better decisions. I wish they would actually do something I asked. I fell down the stairs last Friday and broke my cane. I’ve called everyday asking for a new one and no one has gotten back to me. I’ve been using my moms cane and it’s not working for me.

😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

Fading in the past

Some people look back to remember the wonderful memories of a childhood, friendships, and more. I try with all my being to not remember because once I do it’s all the bad. Their faces looming over me, the rope that binds my hands, the tears that have dried and stained my face, the blows to my stomach and face, the taste of blood, the pain of my insides tearing… So when you see me again “after all these years” please consider for a moment if I can’t remember you, I really can’t. Because as I try to remember your face all I see is theirs. So I don’t try anymore. All I have is your word, your memories, your view of our past. Remembering makes me fade into the past, a past I no longer want to see.

My favorite part of life…

All the judgement from people who swear they don’t judge. If you can write me off due to my hair, face, piercings, tattoos, religious beliefs, how I live my life, etc then you have no place in my life. I’ve met all walks of life and I accept them for who they are no matter how different they may be.
That to me is a decent human being… Someone who embraces differences and doesn’t force their way of life on you.